Awkwardly Fat

Photo courtesy of dotbenjamin

Photo courtesy of dotbenjamin

Losing weight is a mental challenge.  I think that goes without saying.  There are a lot of things to overcome mentally not only initially, but in progress, and I’ll go ahead and assume at finish as well (I’m not there yet so I don’t know this one for sure.  I’ll let you know when I get there.).  Initially we must overcome our old habits and make motion towards change.  Once we’ve established good habits, then we’re done right?  Objects in motion stay in motion; so they say.

All of this babble from me is really just a precursor to what I’m feeling now.  I thought that once I got going in the right direction that was it.  Obviously I have to keep on keeping on, but once the foundation was laid, I had the assumption that it would be easy for me.  I would start getting thinner and that would keep me motivated.  If the scale was moving the right direction then I would remain happy.

That’s mostly true, but I just stumbled upon a feeling that is very hard to believe.  I’m in the middle.  Let me tell you, the middle is a sucky place to be.  I haven’t plateaued yet, so that’s not the problem.  I’m just half way.  The middle is awkward because you aren’t as fat as you were, but you’re not as skinny as you should be.  Stuff just doesn’t look or feel right. “Stuff” is a very broad word here on purpose.

“Stuff” is physical.  My body doesn’t look anything like it should.  Thirty pounds ago I was round.  Obviously I was less healthy, but I felt proportional.  Now I’ve lost a lot of weight in a few places and very little in others.  I feel out of balance.  My body is saggy and now it’s painfully obvious where I need to go with this.  If you think weight loss is going to happen uniformly, then I have some bad news for you. At this point I consider myself awkwardly fat.

“Stuff” is, well, stuff.  All of that get projected outwards in how clothes fit.  I need to buy clothes because my old ones are too big.  My friends will know how much pain that causes me because of how cheap I am.  So I head out to buy new clothes only to find out that they don’t fit worth a damn either.  What gives?  Apparently that out of balance feeling I mentioned above is real.  Right now I’m not in what most would consider normal dimensions.  Great.  I’m awkwardly sized because I’m awkwardly fat.

“Stuff” is mental.  In my head it’s a scary place.  Seriously.  All of this weight loss business is very emotional.  There are cravings to fight.  There are fears to overcome.  There are activities to find to replace food.  It’s all very weird.  Even worse is that no 2 people experience the same two feelings.  What works mentally for one person won’t always work for another.  Our tickers all tick differently.  I feel awkward because I’m awkwardly fat.

The middle just means that I’m halfway and that I have to do what I just did all over again.  I know that where I’m heading is better in the long run.  The only problem is that right now, at this very instant, I just want to feel normal.  I don’t like this awkward feeling one bit.

  • Ms .45

    I totally hear you. I’m halfway to goal weight and it’s so freakin’ expensive! I’m even finding my *shoes* have become a bit too big. And, this hopefully isn’t an issue for you, but my breasts are not losing weight, meaning that I’m now discovering new, freakish and massively overpriced bra sizes (I didn’t know cups went up to H!). And because I’ve lost a lot of weight, I get a bit too ambitious and try on clothes in stores that, uh, I’m not quite ready for yet. No biggie, at least it gives me an excuse not to buy them, but then I feel silly and, yes, awkwardly fat.

  • Alli

    God! I hear you! I’ve lost 95lb, I have 40lb to go. Everyone tells me how good I look, how fantastic I should feel, but I don’t. I feel crap and angry and demoralised. I can only concentrate on how far I’ve got to go, not how far I’ve come.

    And my body feels alien, I look terrible. There are places on my body that are toned, my legs, my back, but the wobbly places look horrible, I have saggy “bingo wings” (triceps), I have a saggy stomach, my boobs are like let down balloons.

    I know I’m doing the right things and that exercise is helping me, but the final 40lb feels overwhelming. I have plateaued and it’s horrible and I know it’s because I’m not eating properly, exercising properly and doing all the things I did at the beginning, but it’s because I’m bored and overwhelmed.

    So thank yu for writing your blog and letting me know I’m not alone!

  • Charles

    I hear ya. I think I am at 235-240 now. I was 265. I look at all my band photos and, though I was between 195 – 215, I was visibly much more thin, but I still wear the same clothes decently comfortable. I desperately miss my abs, and even tho I have begun running and calesthenics again, I feel it is all for nothing. Middle sucks BAD! I’m not fat as I had become, but I have at least 30-40 to go before I can even think about getting on stage again. I have been told by several people that it’s all in my head and once you’re in shape, it’s easy to get back into shape, but my chest is sagging, my thighs have spread (probably the desk job) and my uneven love handles look like used bits of Playdoh. I still have cut in my arms and legs, but from the thighs to the chest, it’s like being the Michelin man. All I can do is ignore the scale, eat less bad food, more vegetables, drink water, exercise and pray. 40 is around the corner (less than a year). Hang in there guys.

  • Elmaraghyg

    God, this is exactly how I feel. I legit typed into google what I felt and that was awkwardly fat. I was 342.6 when I started in november of 2010. Now I’m 280. I’m still a bison when i look in the mirror. I don’t want to shop at Saks quite yet. I’m too big to fit in my old clothes so I shop at tj maxx, and marshals. I see a bunch of stuff that would fit me when I was 340 but absolutely nothing for my size and lweight rite now. I’m starting to get apathetic to weight loss but to be honest the only thing that’s motivating me is meeting up with my ex girl friend, showing her what she’s missing out on, hitting it and quitting it.