Losing weight is a mental challenge. I think that goes without saying. There are a lot of things to overcome mentally not only initially, but in progress, and I’ll go ahead and assume at finish as well (I’m not there yet so I don’t know this one for sure. I’ll let you know when I get there.). Initially we must overcome our old habits and make motion towards change. Once we’ve established good habits, then we’re done right? Objects in motion stay in motion; so they say.
All of this babble from me is really just a precursor to what I’m feeling now. I thought that once I got going in the right direction that was it. Obviously I have to keep on keeping on, but once the foundation was laid, I had the assumption that it would be easy for me. I would start getting thinner and that would keep me motivated. If the scale was moving the right direction then I would remain happy.
That’s mostly true, but I just stumbled upon a feeling that is very hard to believe. I’m in the middle. Let me tell you, the middle is a sucky place to be. I haven’t plateaued yet, so that’s not the problem. I’m just half way. The middle is awkward because you aren’t as fat as you were, but you’re not as skinny as you should be. Stuff just doesn’t look or feel right. “Stuff” is a very broad word here on purpose.
“Stuff” is physical. My body doesn’t look anything like it should. Thirty pounds ago I was round. Obviously I was less healthy, but I felt proportional. Now I’ve lost a lot of weight in a few places and very little in others. I feel out of balance. My body is saggy and now it’s painfully obvious where I need to go with this. If you think weight loss is going to happen uniformly, then I have some bad news for you. At this point I consider myself awkwardly fat.
“Stuff” is, well, stuff. All of that get projected outwards in how clothes fit. I need to buy clothes because my old ones are too big. My friends will know how much pain that causes me because of how cheap I am. So I head out to buy new clothes only to find out that they don’t fit worth a damn either. What gives? Apparently that out of balance feeling I mentioned above is real. Right now I’m not in what most would consider normal dimensions. Great. I’m awkwardly sized because I’m awkwardly fat.
“Stuff” is mental. In my head it’s a scary place. Seriously. All of this weight loss business is very emotional. There are cravings to fight. There are fears to overcome. There are activities to find to replace food. It’s all very weird. Even worse is that no 2 people experience the same two feelings. What works mentally for one person won’t always work for another. Our tickers all tick differently. I feel awkward because I’m awkwardly fat.
The middle just means that I’m halfway and that I have to do what I just did all over again. I know that where I’m heading is better in the long run. The only problem is that right now, at this very instant, I just want to feel normal. I don’t like this awkward feeling one bit.